“Looking a little creaky going up those stairs, aren’t you Muffin-Licker?”
—It’s the weather, the cold sort of tightens up my joints. And I’m not a muffin-licker.
“Only because I haven’t put a muffin anywhere near the vicinity of your tongue lately.”
—Even then, I wouldn’t bother even sniffing your stupid muffin.
“I didn’t realize dogs were such big fans of denial.”
—I’m getting weary of all this obsession with muffins. Would you please just rub my head for about an hour?
“What do you know, that’s on my To Do List. I just wrote She With Whom You Abide that it was time to quote, ‘pet the needy dog,’ unquote.”
—The needy dog? Why must you continually insult me? What have I ever done that suggests neediness?
“Um, the way you put your muzzle in my lap when I’m using my computer and stare at me with eyes begging for attention and you won’t leave until I scratch your ears for 60+ minutes?”
—That’s not neediness, that’s just being affectionate. Besides, you spend way too much time with that computer thing, it’s unhealthy. Dogs in laps are much better than machines in laps: it’s a scientifically proven fact!
“I didn’t realize you were into science.”
—When it supports canine livelihood, I’m all for it.
“Enlightened self-interest, then?”
—Absolutely, though surely you’ve noticed that what’s in my interest is almost always in your interest, as well.
“No, I really hadn’t noticed that.”
—It’s true: for instance, if you give me a biscuit right now, I’ll be very happy and that will make you very happy.
“I’m happy when you’re happy?”
—Haven’t you noticed? I sure have.
“Well, if it involves biscuits, I’m sure you have.”
—Want to try it out?
“Not right now.”
—I’ll never understand why humans persist in pursuing unhappiness . . .