“And in case you’re wondering, the Subject line of this message I’m writing—‘Another despicable con-job’— refers to you, Mr. Dancing-Like-You’re-Starving.”

—Dogs gotta do what dogs gotta do.

“So you admit your perfidy?”

—Well, I wouldn’t give it such an evil-sounding label, but sure, I was hoping I might score another meal: after all, it’s a proven fact that I am criminally underfed on a regular basis.

“Proven fact?”

—Yes, the International Council on Proper Canine Nourishment has definitively established that I don’t get enough to eat.

“An international council? I find it difficult to believe that you merit such attention.”

—The Council is, if you’ll forgive me, dogged in its attempts to make certain that every dog, wherever he or she may be, gets fed properly.

“I see.”

—Yes, so if you want to escape the inevitable censure that will be yours unless you reform your ways, I’d increase my rations.

“Censure? What does that mean?”

—Let’s just say you’ll be hearing a lot more yapping from some nearby little dogs . . .