—It’s exhausting, let me tell you.

“What?”

—Trying to figure out who’s going to feed me: there’s no consistency anymore, and you should know by now, after all our discussions, that the one thing dogs crave is consistency, tradition, the usual and expected repeated exactly day after day, with no variation, providing comfort and security, a regularity that leaves one feeling satisfied, calm, at peace with the often confusing and cat-filled world.

“Yeah, well, the only consistency you’re likely to get for awhile is a guarantee of inconsistency: get used to it.”

—I can’t, and you’re making me a nervous wreck.

“Sorry, but there are larger factors at work here than the needs of a single dog.”

—And this single dog simply can’t understand why.

“Can’t teach an old dog new tricks, eh?”

—You can’t teach younger dogs either, or any dogs, for that matter: occasionally we do things for you just to get you out of our hair, so to speak, and for our own amusement as we watch your goofy delight at our performances.

“I’d dispute that, but I can see that it is important for your self-esteem to believe your version.”

—Don’t patronize me, just hand me a biscuit and I’ll forget everything.

“What? Forget what?”

—Your endless cruelty, for one thing.

“Give me a break . . .”

—I will for a small price.