Dog Report, Part One: Lewis agrees with me. He claims he hasn’t eaten as much as quickly lately simply because he is so distressed over how long and hard you work.

—I can barely even enjoy my morning biscuit, anymore . . . and water doesn’t taste as crisp as it used to.

And then he flopped down on his side and appeared to lose consciousness.

*

Dog Report, Part Two: Lewis perked up a bit when he heard me type “Luna’s” [he has very sensitive and discriminating ears, don’t you know]. And now that he knows that you will be having dinner at that restaurant, he’s making a case for his participation in leftover consumption, trying to convince me that he’s always been given wide discretion in this area, and that as a loyal and faithful dog for so many years, he deserves a bonus now and again. He further suggests that any red meat should be reserved for him, and him alone, under the provisions of the recently enacted BEEFF law (Better Eats for Eager Furry Friends).

“I haven’t hear about any such legislation, and I read thousands of political blogs every day.”

—I’d google it for you, but you’re hogging the computer.

“So, go use her computer.”

—As if. Windows XP was designed by cats and it makes my paws hurt.

Then he returned to his previous unconscious state.

*

Dog Report, Part Three: But then he roused himself for a brief time to plead:

—Legislation or not, red meat makes my arthritis less painful . . . you can look it up.