Lewis is lobbying for a doughnut.

“You know, shedding dog hair all over my computer is not the way to win friends and influence potential doughnut suppliers.”

Lewis changes tactics and tries to convince me that he is at death’s door from intense hunger and cruelly enforced doughnut deprivation. To prove he’s become deranged by starvation, he jumps up on the bed for a nap without permission. I ignore him, though, and give him a chance to reconsider. Which he does, and then quickly gets off the bed before he can be scolded.

Changing strategy again, Lewis tries to snooker me into taking him outside for a late breakfast, even though the back door is open and he must know no more food is coming. He just wants attention, presumably.

—No, just a doughnut.

“Dream on, dog; doughnuts are for humans.”

—Just one more example of the universal injustice that pervades the life of the canine species.

“Right. Would you like some achingly sad violin music to go with your whine?”

—An excellent point! How come I only get water to drink? And only two varieties? Tap and Toilet? While you live in beverage variety heaven: hot, cold, sweet, sour, carbonated, diet, etc. etc. etc.

“Zip it, dog! Until you learn to clean up your own poop, you’re on a restricted diet.”