“My, you’re awfully needy today: just lie down.”

—But I haven’t received my Daily Morning Ear Scratch Minimum Requirements.

“There are requirements?”

—Absolutely: scientifically tested and proven amounts of ear scratching that ensure that your dog remains healthy and alert.

“I had no idea.”

—Well, until today, you’ve been doing your job adequately.

“My job?”

—Um, you know what I mean.

“And no, you are not going to get any of my Mountain Bar: chocolate is bad for dogs.”

—I don’t think so. In fact, I’m pretty sure there are Minimum Requirements for that, too.

“And now you’re stretching things past the point of credibility. And lie down! I scratched your ears already.”

—You missed a spot.