January 13, 2009

“And you are going outside, you rude barker.”

—Me?

“Yes.”

—When?

“In a few minutes.”

—For how long?

“Three days. I hope you didn’t eat your whole bowl of food because you’re going to be on your own for awhile.”

—What?

“That’s what you get for being a rude barker.”

—But . . .

“Have fun.”

[Editor’s Note: The exact nature of the rudeness in question has been forgotten.]

~

[Some time later . . .]

—Thank Dog you came back!!!! . . . I was getting worried!!!!

“You didn’t really think we’d leave you out in the yard for three days did you?”

—Um . . . no . . . no, of course not, but I . . . uh . . . forgot to do my . . . uh . . . final morning internal investigation and that might not have boded well.

“I see. I wasn’t aware you did an internal investigation every morning.”

—Oh yes. A quick rundown of everything in the house just to make sure things are as they should be.

“That’s funny, I don’t ever recall you going downstairs, for instance, on any morning.”

—Oh, well, I check things via nose and ears.

“Why not eyes?”

—They’re not as reliable, and though I hate to admit it, age has taken its toll on my optic abilities.

“I suspected that.”

—Nothing serious, you understand, nothing that would compromise the 110% reliable service I provide.

“Of course not.”

—I remain, as always, your fierce but loyal dog-on-the-spot, valiant, vigilant, vigorous, and vivacious, always ready to swerve and protect.

“Swerve?”

—I didn’t want to infringe on any police trademarks . . . but I wanted to allude to them, too.

“Smart, though I doubt ‘to serve and protect’ is trademarked.”

—Can’t be too careful . . . or valiant, or vigilant, or . . .

“I get the idea. I also see that you took ‘vicious’ out of your 4-V slogan.

—Nice of you to notice . . . what do you think?

“Aren’t vigorous and vivacious kind of similar?”

—That concerned me, too, but the 4-V slogan is a work-in-progress, so I’ll figure it out eventually.