January 14, 2009

“Hey, I wanted to ask you about something you said yesterday.”

—What’s that?

“You exclaimed ‘Thank Dog’—is that a canine deity or something?”

—Not really, at least I don’t think so . . . I mean, I and other canines don’t really understand the whole “God” thing you humans obsess over so much: it doesn’t really make sense to us.

“So who were you thanking, if not some deity?”

—It’s kind of difficult to explain, and it would probably seem conceited . . .

“Try me.”

—Well, I remember you talking to She With Whom I Abide once, and you told her that dogs consider humans to be just weird two-legged dogs and such . . . and that’s true as far as it goes . . . as if you folks don’t see everything in human terms . . .

“That’s a good point.”

—Exactly. Dogs are no different in that regard: everything is judged by how much “dog-ness” it contains. Cats, for instance, have zero dog-ness, even—some claim—negative dog-ness, which is one reason why they are so despicable. And so, by extension then, the world as a whole can be seen as one all-encompassing Dog, and that’s who, or what, we thank when so inclined.

“Interesting. You know, your antipathy for cats is well-known, but I’ve seen countless pictures of dogs and cats getting along, and I’ve visited households where both cats and dogs live together . . .”

—Traitors! All of them! Vile disgusting traitors. And probably perverts, too. I don’t even want to think about such things, so if you would kindly stop spreading your lies and distortions, your twisted fabrications . . .

“Wait, wait, wait. Calm down. And think for a moment. If I’m telling lies, then there aren’t any traitors to revile, right?

—Enough with your human sophistry: I told you I don’t even want think about . . . this. This conversation is over.

“What’s this? You’re turning your back on me? And now you’re lying down, already?”

— . . .

“Oh, very mature: passive aggressive napping.”

— . . .