“My, that was an impressive performance this morning.”

—To what do you refer?

“Your mad dash across the snowy wasteland to accost a ferocious trespassing squirrel: I’m surprised you didn’t catch it.”

—I would have, but the icy conditions made me lose my footing. However, I was able to drive the interloper away and prevented him from further violating the sacred grounds.

“Sacred grounds? I had no idea a backyard filled with your poop could be sacred.”

—That’s because you’re not a dog. But even if they weren’t sacred, squirrels are just bad news, vile creatures that cannot be trusted nor allowed to scamper wherever they want.

“They can be annoying, I’m sure, but aren’t they kind of puny to get all worked up about?”

—Don’t let their size fool you: squirrels are reviled throughout the entire animal kingdom: nobody likes them.

“Why?”

—It’s like jazz: if you gotta ask, you can’t know.

“You know about jazz?”

—I’ve never had to ask, have I?

“I guess. Wait a minute . . .”

—So, how about a biscuit? I expended a lot of energy protecting you from that squirrel.