—Aren’t you forgetting someone?

“What do you mean?”

—You are professing profound gratitude to everyone and everything but not one tiny grain of thanks to the protector of the household.

“Meaning you.”

—Who else puts their life on the line day after day, patrolling the defense perimeter, insuring that the integrity of the home will not be violated by evil, who else pursues those foolish criminals who encroach and trespass upon the sacred grounds . . . .

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! You’re getting a bit carried away with the job definition aren’t you? Need I remind you that you spend about 20 hours a day on your side snoozing?”

—Snoozing? You dare call my intense level of alertness snoozing? I’d be insulted if I hadn’t heard such ignorance from you before.

“You’re not even alert enough these days to get off the couch before we open the front door.”

—Hmph.

“Did you just ‘hmph’ me?”

—Interpret it as you will; you always do anyway, never understanding the finer points, the delicate intricacies, the subtle delineations, the . . .

“Yeah, yeah, okay, enough with the purple. Thank you, Lewis, thank you, for all your hard work: what would we do without you?

—See, was that so hard?

“Of course, there’d also be no poop patrol without you . . .”