—Can I bark at the UPS man when he arrives?

“Why would you need to do that?”

—Keep in practice. Great watchdogs aren’t born, they’re made. Made with intense training. And practice. Even humans say: ‘Practice makes perfect.’

“Um, no.”

—Okay, but I can’t guarantee anything, given the fierce protective instincts that have been bred into my very soul, combined with the fact that my number one priority is to safeguard the territory of my beloved human friends, to staunchly and stoutly defend the household from enemy encroachment, to boldly sacrifice my own body if need be to preserve the integrity of this sacred home, to . . . .

“Nice speech, but I thought your number one priority was to beg as much food as you could from your gullible keepers.”

—Never, never I tell you, have I ever been so insulted. I haven’t begged for a doughnut in days.

“That’s because you know there are no doughnuts in the house.”

—It’s the principle of the thing.

“Yeah, well to paraphrase another famous human maxim: when someone says it’s the principle, it’s really all about the doughnuts.”

Lewis just stares at me, then turns to attend to his water bowl.