August 25, 2008

“So, I’ve noticed how intently you stare at whatever food I’m eating when you want me to share; it’s a very interesting look.”

—Yes, it’s known as the Food Magnet Technique.

“It’s got a name?”

—Oh yeah, named and developed by one of the great dog philosophers of all time, Queenie.

“It’s nice to see that dogs aren’t sexist, that female dogs can be viewed as great philosophers.”

—Dogs don’t have many of the shortcomings humans have, however, Queenie was male: he just abided with some pretty stupid human beings. I’d tell you his dog name, which is much more dignified, but you wouldn’t understand it.

“Ah, of course I wouldn’t. So tell me about Food Magnetism.”

—It was first described in Queenie’s most famous bark, “How to Win Food and Influence Those You Abide With.”

“Bark?”

—Yes. Obviously, dogs don’t write books, we create barks, we have an oral tradition.

“That’s for sure. Is Mikey next door transmitting great barks?”

—No, like most little dogs, he’s just an idiot.

“Dogs may not be sexist, but they certainly seem to be size-ist.”

—We can’t help it: most little dogs are just big idiots.

“Get back to Queenie.”

—Well, Queenie taught us that the best way to score the food we deserved was to concentrate on it with all our might, to stare at the target with one thought in mind: You (meaning the food) are already mine. I’m already chewing you. You taste delicious. You’re being swallowed right now. You’re mine.

“That sounds like more than one thought.”

—Variations on a single theme.

“Mind over matter.”

—Yes.

“How does Queenie explain those times when Food Magnetism doesn’t work. Is it your fault, because you haven’t concentrated hard enough?”

—Sometimes, but mostly it just demonstrates that evil still exists in the world . . . but that’s a lesson for another day.