“I noticed that you tried to get into the garage again yesterday.”

—I did not.

“The door was open and pushed up against the dog food barrel; it didn’t open by itself.”

—It must have opened by itself, because that is something I do not do.

“What about all the times I’ve come home to find you in the garage, in the dark?”

—Burglars did that, to prevent me from doing my watchdog duties.

“Every time?”

—Yes. Different burglars, though.

“And just how does that work, exactly? Why didn’t you bark or bite them while they were putting you in the garage?”

—They surprised me while I was taking a well-earned nap: one minute I’m soaking up the sunlight, then, suddenly I wake up in the dark on the cold cement.

“Pretty sound sleeper.”

—I have a tiring job.

“They must be pretty strong burglars, too. You’re no featherweight.”

—Are you suggesting I’m fat?

“Well, that’s what the dog food label claims.”

—I have no control over what kind of food is purchased or what it says on the label.

“True. Just like you have no control over getting trapped in the garage.”

—Exactly.

“One last question: why haven’t the burglars stolen anything from the house after taking care of the vicious watchdog situation?”

—I think it’s time to get a drink of water.