—It’s your birthday?

“Yeah. I’m over 360 years old in dog years.”

—No you aren’t: the way you people figure such things is fatally flawed.

“True, but even using a revised method I’m over 170 in dog years.”

—Again, no you aren’t: the whole dog year concept is a bunch of hooey, anthropocentric to the core: there aren’t dog years and human years, it’s just time passing; the number of times the sun has risen and set isn’t different for you or for me. Most humans just get to see more sunsets is all, though exactly why remains a great mystery to the canine world: we’re not sure what you’ve done (or not done) to deserve that.

“I’ve heard it all has to do with heartbeats: every animal gets about the same number, but because some animals have a higher average heartbeat rate, they use up their allotment sooner.”

—Perhaps, but why do some have higher heartbeat rates?

“I don’t know. Size?”

—Maybe. I don’t know, either. But happy birthday anyway.

“Thanks.”