February 2, 2009

“What’s your take on the Super Bowl?”

—A complete bust.

“What? Why? It was one of the most exciting games ever.”

[Editor’s Note: For those of you who, like myself, have forgotten the 2009 Super Bowl, the All-Powerful Internet provides the following information: It occurred on February 1, 2009 and featured the Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Cardinals trailed 20-7 at the beginning of the fourth quarter, but scored 16 consecutive points to take the lead with 2:37 remaining in the game. The Steelers took over, marched 78 yards downfield, and won the game when Santonio Holmes caught a 6-yard touchdown pass with 35 seconds left. Addendum: After watching the 2015 edition of the Super Bowl, I’m left with just one question: WTF were the Seahawks thinking?!?! It’s second down, you’re one yard away from victory, your second consecutive Super Bowl trophy, you have one of the best running backs in the league, you have one of the best running quarterbacks maybe ever, hell, you even have another running back who’s excellent in short yardage situations, plus certainly you have at some point acknowledged the unassailable truth of Woody Hayes’ maxim that only three things can happen when you throw the ball and two of those are bad . . . so in these circumstances, and with that personnel, you decide to pass? WTF??????? ]

—Dogs don’t rate such things the same way you do.

“And what metric do you use?”

—How many food accidents there are. And if I recall correctly, there were exactly zero accidents yesterday and I only scored a single measly Wheat Thin during the whole disastrous event. I mean, someone could have at least dropped one Li’l Smokie on the rug, how hard is that?

“You seem bitter.”

—We if the canine persuasion look forward to this day all year, just like many of you do, and then . . . one puny cracker. Simply disgusting.

“Sorry you had to hang around such neat eaters.”

—Apology not accepted: all that wonderful food, and all I get is a dry piece of crushed wheat: you really know how to hurt a guy.

“I’ll let you nap off your disappointment.”

—A lousy cracker! One lousy cracker!