“And you, time to go outside.”

—What?

“Sorry, I have an appointment.”

—It’s way too cold and I feel a little achy.

“You’re an outside kind of dog, aren’t you?”

—I used to be, but I’ve since retired.

“Oh, I didn’t know you could do that.”

—With age comes privileges.

“I see. If I let you stay in, will promise not to befoul the premises by relieving yourself on the carpet?”

—Of course.

“You realize that this means no biscuit since I don’t have to bribe you to go outside.”

—No biscuit?

“Your choice.”

—Uh . . .

“Look, I don’t have all day.”

—Uh . . .

“Make up your mind.”

—Uh . . .